I will walk through the valley if you want me to.

Ever feel like you are just in a rut?

Looking back over the last few weeks, I feel as if I am just in a complete standstill. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband. I have an amazing mother that I will never fill the shoes of. I am so many wonderful things in my world that I truly thank God for even now. God has truly supplied my every need.

I've been through ups and downs. I've been through the valley and seen the mountaintops of various situations. I've seen a lot of the last fews years. I am wise well beyond my years. But never have I look and felt so blah about things. I know God has a plan for my life. I look back and see pieces of the puzzle being placed together- meeting my husband, going to school and getting the job where I am right now, buying a house only to sell and move in with my mom CONVENIENTLY just prior to her diagnosis with terminal cancer, even the miscarriage that occurred. All puzzle pieces fitting so perfectly (not happily, not the way I would have them), but perfectly fashioned together in a way that only God can foresee what might be down the road, and what pattern might be sculpted with each piece placed.

Life is not fair. I understand this. Looking around at so many people that I might think "They don't go to church, or have a job to provide for a child" popping out babies right and left.. while the hubster and I sit and wait for our turn. All those people living life with not a care in the world yet not caring if they live or die .. all the while, my sweet mother laying in a hospital bed fighting for some kind of normal in hers. It breaks my heart to think of just how UNFAIR life is.

I've had my heartaches and heartbreaks along this journey as I am sure there are many, many more to come. However, I look at life from the very spot where I reside and realize I have been going through a huge, downward slanting valley for so long now, that I know there has to be light ahead. I truly feel that God has healed my mother. She has too many unfulfilled promises here on Earth. She is such a faithful beacon. I look back and think maybe, just maybe, I somehow willed this on her. As I drove to the ER just last year, I prayed and prayed and prayed the whole 45 minute drive that God would use her, that God would take her faithfulness and make a testimony through her that she may stand and boldly proclaim the miracles of God. Since then, there have been many prayers sent up for her. God has a plan for her situation; a perfect, holy plan that we will look back on through the years ahead and have the complete understand of the pattern for this time in our lives. Hubby shared something a few days ago that still sticks out in my mind. He had a dream in which mother had been healed. I dont know what the dream was about, nor do I know if he is sure, but I do know that my mother was healed. He said "She still had a limp, but was healed". I believe in my heart and soul, that it was just another piece of God's perfect puzzle that has been ever so gently, and almost discreetly placed just for me. As if, just as our Pastor preached on Sunday morning, that God is showing things, but it is just up to us to not get so wrapped up in things that you don't see what he is laying down. I believe that God sends us bits and pieces at just the right time to hold us together and keep us strong through the hard times.

In the same sermon, I must share, the Pastor spoke about different scenarios. One being the story of Sarai and Abram. I'm sure you have all heard the story before about how Sarai was barren. She wanted to please herself and her husband and take things into her own hands since she could have no children and let her husband have a child with her handmaid Hagar. Hagar conceived and birthed Ishmael. Long story shorter, Ishmael would be a bad person and do bad things. He would not be the blessed son that Sarai had hoped for. But, faithful as he is, God heard the request of his son Abram (now Abraham) and Sarai (now Sarah) and gave them an annointed seed in Isaac.

Can I add here that Wednesday afternoon I sent my husband to buy a BBT and then went to purchase an ovulation kit so that I can begin checking and testing again. I talked to hubby and decided I would monitor everything, go to the doctor once I have enough information documented to do anything, and hopefully get some more help in the fertility department... Sunday morning I sat in church, and it was like a lightbulb went off. The Pastor said someone had been needing the word since Thursday. He then went on to preach the sermon about God showing us things along the way, but that we have to not get so wrapped up in things that we don't see them. He used the Sarai/Abram example. Since then, all I can't think is that if I proceed with the above mentioned plan that I will be taking things into my own hands. Yeah, sure, maybe the doctor can help us with conceiving and maybe even giving birth to a healthy child, but is it the route that God has planned out for us? Is it the next puzzle piece to be laid down? All I can hear are the words "Taking matters into your own hands is not the will of God".

I got waaay sidetracked with the way this post was meant to go. I say all of this to update you on our situation, and to leave with you a song that has been on my heart lately. As I look back on the past fews weeks, I realize that everything happening around me is so unclear. It's a downward spirally path lately, but I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is about to become evident and I have my dancing shoes ready to celebrate.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

No I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone (yeah oh oh)

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will walk through the darkness
If You want me to

'Cause when I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to