AWOL

Judging by the messages I have received, you guys realized I just went AWOL for awhile, so I feel like I have some 'splaining to do.

On October 1st, 2010.. I got a positive pregnancy test! I was so excited!! I told the hubby right away in a way that was absolutely perfect for the afternoon. We went on to tell my mother the next day after the whole family got excited about my cousin's newly announced pregnancy- leading my mom to tell her family, and my cousin to announce it to the church on that Sunday when he finished preaching the sermon. All was excited for sure.

We went on to visit with hubby's fam for his stepdad's "over the hill" party. We let him open a picture, telling the whole family at once that we are pleasantly expecting. All was thrilled. Plans were even made for the next year's christmas- when they're would be not one, but 2 new babies to celebrate.

On the folllowing Friday night, hubby and I went on an "away for the weekend" stay in a cabin with his dad and stepmom. We gave them a picture of Miley in a "big sister" frame. His stepmom was absolutely thrilled.. Squealing and screaming like she'd just won the lottery. Hugs and congrats all around.

The following morning, I woke up with bleeding. I paced in the bathroom. Came out to lie on the bed. Back to the bathroom only to verify that I was, in fact, still seeing the red warning sign. I came out, to google on my phone. Thank God for iPhones. And saw that, there were 2 verdicts to the predictament I found myself in - 1.implantation bleeding But, I'm too far along for that right? or 2. miscarriage That just can't be it.

I paced around. I questioned it all because if it were the latter, I would be hurting right. I lie down on the bed after grabbing a bite for breakfast.. as if I could really eat knowing I might be losing my baby.. and I show hubby my phone and tell him I am bleeding. And then it hits, this awful cramping pain in my abdomen and, yes, in my back as well. I try to block it all out- It's all in my head. I read about it, and now I think I'm having pain. But I'm not really- no I can't be.

We ride to the convenience store with his dad and stepmom to get some things for the rest of the trip. When we return, scared as could be, but not wanting to say anything in fear that it will jinx me and it will come true... I break down and call home to mom- because that's what we all do when we need help, you just want to talk to mom.

I tell her what's happening and she agrees that it doesn't sound good. I decide immediately, tears flowing like rivers from my eyes, that I want to go home.. to my place of shelter.. to my place of comfort. Sitting at the picnic area, so that Kenneth's family would not be alarmed, I cry my heart out.. praying that this is a horrible attack of those pregnancy hormones that seem to be causing so many other changes in my body over the past few weeks. But, that was it.. I wanted my mommy.

I went back to the cabin, and only hours after announcing to his dad and stepmom that we are expecting, Kenneth walks down the trail to tell them I am packing our things up in the cabin and we are heading home because we are experiencing some complications. They came to help me pack up and we were off.

As soon as I returned home, my mom was waiting and we made the much dreaded trip to the ER, where, after a pelvic exam, in and out cath, and blood work was told I needed to come back in 48 hours and get some more lab work done. My HCG levels were low meaning 1 of 2 things.. I am just early in the pregnancy in the whereabouts of 3 weeks (But i am 5 wks- almost 6) or my levels are dropping because I am aborting the baby. In 48 hours, those levels, I am told should double in number should I have a viable pregnancy.

Despite the prayers and words from loved ones all across the country, I found out on the f/u trip to the ER that I, in fact was having a miscarriage. I have never been so heartbroken in my life. I felt useless...empty. Surrounded by the 2 people who have shown my the most love throughout my life - my mom and my husband- I felt alone. Engulfed in uncontrollable tears, tears that continue to sneak attack me and take me over even now feeling my heart with that same emptiness and failure.

The ride home that day was the longest 20 minute ride I have ever taken. I questioned my ability of everything under the sun. I questioned God. Why? I had prayed my heart out, begging him to save this baby all weekend. Comments on facebook, phone calls, messages saying people all over were praying. Shouldn't one of those prayers gotten through if not all of them. I questioned my past. What have I done so wrong to deserve this? I questioned my present. What have I done to cause this? Did the one time I took the headache medicine cause this.. did I eat the wrong things.. I forgot my vitamins that one day. I questioned the future. If I can't carry a baby now, what makes me think in my little head that God will ever let me have children in the future. 

I cried more the past week than I ever thought imaginable. At the most unexpected, and sometimes inopportune times, I burst into those uncontrollable tears. All those around me worried... they tried to find a way to comfort me in such a time of discomfort. I somewhat turned away, but still yearning for the love and wrapping around me from my husband because at those times, my mind raced back to the fact that I may never be able to produce a child for this man of God that would be such a great father. I turned from my mother, who worried herself sick and cried her own eyes out for the daughter she could do nothing to take the pain away-- I turned away because I knew she yearned for another grandchild and, just less than 2 weeks prior, found out God was going to bless her with one. I turned away. I slept. I cried. I slept.

As the past week has gone on, I have stayed at home, knowing that I will in fact, have to face my coworkers and others I have placed the barrier to block out. It has gotten a little easier. In fact, when I went for my follow up at the obgyn, I didn't even cry. She put me at ease somewhat, telling me that more women have miscarriages than they know..they are usually just too early and dont even know they are pregnant yet. Hearing that there is nothing wrong with me.. and it was more than likely just something wrong in development let me heart and mind rest awhile.

My mother and Kenneth have been there for me every step of the way.. taking phone calls so that I don't have to talk to people and embarrass myself by breaking out into tears everytime I hear I'm so sorry..., letting those loved ones know the unfortunate news, calling doctors and setting up apts, calling coworkers and/or bosses when I am unable.

Kenneth has especially been wonderful. Though I know it hurts him on the inside, he has been strong on the outside, holding it together for me.

So, for those of you who have questioned.. who have looked for clues as to where my life is taking me and why I have been AWOL.. I feel as if I owed myself and you this post.  Please take this as my explanation. I do not plan to dwell any longer on the past, but look to the future and those things God has laid out for hubby and I. I have not in the past, nor now, dwelled on the sad and unfortunate events that life leaves you, on this blog.. I try to keep it cheerful and upbeat.

I want to thank each of you who have reached out and worried about my little family. It really does mean a lot and bubbles my heart over. In fact, in the time of deep sadness, it brought a smile to my face to know that you guys are there and are praying for us, despite not knowing what is happening. Thank you for that.

Hubby and I would like to extend a great thank you and a request for you to continue to keep us in your prayers as we continue to work through this time.. putting some things behind and getting ready for those things that are to come. We love you, bloggy buddies...each and everyone.

Dear Lord, I know that your will for me is perfect. Though I may not understand at the time, I know that your grace will sustain me and that you are always at work in my life. Though I should always be trusting, I know that I sometimes fail at just that. I pray that you be with my family as we deal with our current situation, and bring from it a blessing much greater than ever imagined. Through this valley in our lives, we will stand strong. Through this storm in our lives, we will continue to praise you. I ask for peace. I ask for comfort. I ask for your strength as we pick up the pieces and carry on. I thank you in advance for what you are going to do in our lives. Amen.