...As 2010 rolled around, the Mr and I had signed on the dotted line and were rolling out of our house and into my parent's house. This is not the way I envisioned my marriage. I had told myself my whole life that my perfect picture would consist of married at age 23 to an amazing husband with 1 and maybe even 2 kids by the time I hit 25 years old. I thought, I will not be one of those old parents that can't even have FUN with their kids. Not that my parents didn't have time for me, or that I didn't have fun when I was a child, but my parents were 29 and 28 when I was born and have already gone through this rodeo 8 years earlier and were pretty much through with the kid stage when I was born. I was basically the only child growing up, and though I made the best of it, I always wanted to have either younger and more involved parents, or siblings closer to my age so that I could have a playmate.
So at an early age, I decided I was going to provide both of the above for my future children. Only, finding myself not settled down in a home, I thought my plan was not quite working out the way I planned it. Little did I know the things ahead of me.
From the time very quickly after marriage, I stopped my birth control measures. I thought, we gotta get this show on the road right? Getting married the month after my 23rd bday, I thought for sure my plan was working out. And why not? God hears the desires of your heart right? He always has. Did he not just bring me through one of the most awful tortures in my life by letting graduate and find a job in the Physical Therapy field? Has he not seen me through college even though my parents didn't always she it financially happening? And here I am at 23, just like I always thought, getting married to that amazing man of my dreams. Now the children are sure to follow. We are looking for a home that we will have that "this is it" feeling about. Though we hadn't found any even close yet, we knew if we keep looking God will show us the house we are supposed to call our own. And, in the meantime, why not work on building the little bundle of joy to bring into our new home with us?
Good plan, right? Only that it didn't happen that way. God saw it differently. Despite the ovulation tracking, the absence of birth control, and all the other efforts and advice taken from EVERYONE and their mother, Baby Russell was just not working out for us.. Just as I lost hope, and just as my 24th bday was upon us, I found out that I was expecting. Baby Russell would be making it's appearance afterall, and the date was looking like April 2011 was going to be the time. We were through telling everyone the good news (although we had planned on semi keeping it a secret, the ones we told were just too excited for us that they have to tell SOMEONE and word was out to people we rarely talk to). Just one last group of people.. we made the trip to MS to surprise the Mr's dad and stepmom as they had planned a getaway on the lake for the weekend. The day that we arrived we said nothing about it, and as night fell the congrats were being tossed around everywhere. It felt great to know that everyone was so happy for us, and that our perfect plan was actually coming along. Until the next morning rolled around, and as I went to the restroom and knew immediately something was wrong. I excused myself and went for a stroll up to the picnic tables and called my mom were I broke down crying to her, explaining the situation and went back and forth with her talking to my aunt who is a nurse, and then calling me with advice... I was horrified! I have done something, this is all my fault.. how can I let the others know? I told the hubby, despite the remorse to do so. How can I tell him this when we have waited this long to have the baby bump that would soon be making it's appearance? Would he be mad? Would the others look at me like I was to blame? I cried my eyes out as the Mr. told his family we had to go and sorry to leave so soon. They came out and told me they were praying that everything would be ok and that they were so sorry. We got home as soon as possible where mom was pacing the floor waiting to comfort her baby girl.
We went straight to the ER, where my fears were confirmed. Although they couldn't be sure, it looked as if something was wrong. My numbers were extremely low. Let's take some tests. Follow up with the MD on Monday morning.. I won't bore you with the in betweens, but my fear was confirmed in October 2010, I had lost the baby. Took some much needed time off from work for MD appts and emotionally healing. The physical part was bad, but how could God let something so bad happen to me? Didn't he hear all the times where I told him exactly how I wanted my life to unfold. Miscarriage (the dreaded M) was not in my plans at all, nor do I wish it on my worst enemy. To know that inside you was once the bundle of joy that was already lighting my day and filling everyone's world without happiness.. and now I was left with emptiness and confusion, bitterness with God and anger. People tried to comfort me, as well as hubby who took it just as hard as I did but tried to be strong for me and not show it. I remember looking out on the porch where he stood talking to his mother and watching him break down into tears. It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about the struggle it was and how bad I wish I could erase it for both the Mr. and I. No words can describe what we faced (and are still facing) through the challenge of Infertility. But, I had so many wonderful people to help me through it... friends, family, my husband, my mother, and my silent and sometimes none existent father.... but most importantly, my heavenly Father who knew the plan he had made for my family.
... To be continued...
No comments:
Post a Comment