...My mother, who never EVER thought enough about herself because she was too worried about everyone else, was being taken to the ER? Something had to be wrong...
And that it was! As my mother and aunt were driving into work that morning, my aunt looked over from her spot in the drivers seat as my mother was not responding to the conversation, only to find my mother was seizing. She pulled over, called an ambulance, and told them to get her to the ER closest to them. They took her to Walker Baptist Medical Center. My husband had made it to the scene of the episode just in time to tell them to get her there and he would follow. As soon as the call came in, I was on my way. I don't remember much about that 45 minute drive (that probably took me more like 20 mins) other than the prayers I prayed the whole way there. God, I know you have a perfect plan. Although I don't know what is going on with my mother, I know that it must be something. I pray that you reach down even now and that you do a mighty work. I ask you that you use this situation to build a testimony for you. Whatever is ahead when she reaches this ER, I pray that you touch her and that you will let your name be lifted up higher than the situation.
and the one part that continues (even today) to stick out in my mind.. I ask that you let this situation build her faith and strength in you and that you will use this as a testimony that she can proclaim to others that you are so good to her, Lord. That you continue to use her to glorify your name.
I prayed the ENTIRE drive to the hospital that day. I remember my daddy coming to the hospital, unsure if he should be there after having done what he so recently done when he left my mother and family. I remember the phone when I called my coworker Kim (whose mother went through a very similar situation) and telling her that they had done a CT scan when she had the seizure and had found some questionable tumors on her brain. It was the hardest thing I had ever had to face. My mother, the one who had just recently paced the floors for me when I was suffering through my miscarriage, was now (on the anniversary of the month I was to give birth) in a hospital bed about the be shipped to a bigger hospital where they would be better equipped to care for her. What is going on here, God? How could all of this be happening?
My body was tired. Tired from all the changes I had been faced with, tired of the unknown, and tired of all these "firsts" (first time my mother had ever appeared truly sick in my life, first time I had to face the question if she would be there tomorrow, first time to ever see an ambulance must less ride in one as I made the trip to Princeton hospital with her).. I was tired, confused, heartbroken, but most of all scared. Nothing in my perfect plan was happening, but at the moment I was too scared of losing my mother to even care about the other things not unfolding as planned. Mother spent a week in the hospital as they did test to reveal she had Lung Cancer that had metatasized to the brain. They started Radiation immediately while she was in the hospital. I left the area, I think, one or maybe two times. The first night I remember hubby ( who meant more to me those days as he stuck by my side and mothers as well ) and I left the hospital and came home, hubby was exhausted. I was exhausted. I think I dozed for 30 mins that night. The Mr. woke to me, hurriedly cleaning the house. At 2-3AM, cleaning toilets, vacuuming floors, and washing clothes are the least of our concerns. However, I remember having to get the house cleaned good enough so that my mother would not be ashamed to come home to it. I had to get that place deserving enough to bring her home to. And that I did until I collapsed from exhaustion and had terrible dreams all night. After about a week, they allowed mother to come home, and that was when I was finally able to rest, knowing she was home with me again. I never knew how much my mother meant to me until this time in my life. But I was unable to sleep without her being near.
Skipping along through the remaining details. We followed up that Monday at the Cancer Center beside where I work. I was able to make the first appt with her, where she met with the radiation doctor there and carried on her first round of radiation. I remember meeting with the doctor the day she was having her first radiation and him waiting for her treatment to start until he found me and told me that her chances of surviving a couple of months were slim. Based on percentages, he would give her 6 months tops. I was devastated! Here I sat, by myself, expecting to here what a brave and strong person she is, and that her condition would be easily cured. Aren't people cured everyday from cancer? However, her case was different because they hadn't caught it in time to stop it from metastasizing and that when it reaches the brain, 6 months is about all the time he can give a patient. I cried! I cried ALOT!! I tried to hold up without her knowing, but the thought of not having my mother was too much to bear. And there I was, in the doctor's office by myself, calling my husband to tell him the news. I didn't even know what to say, or how I would have the words to tell her!! 6 months would mean she wouldn't even be able to make it to the next Christmas coming up... not my birthday... not Thanksgiving.. not our beach trip in the summer! And worst of all, not to see the birth and life of the future Russell children. Mother always said she would live to see a granddaughter born, and that she felt it would be from my husband and I. That was a promise she has always held onto... and now it would never be granted. Was this just another part of our plans that God never heard? What is happened? What happened to "Ask, and it shall be given unto you..."?
I couldn't make it without my mother. I didn't know how to make those wonderful potatoes or her biscuit and gravy. I couldn't hem my pants or sew on a lost button. I couldn't even make a bed or mop a floor like she can. How can God take her without her being able to show me these things? How can he take her when I am still young and need my mother more than anything or anyone else in this world?
...To be continued...
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