Whether Good or Bad, Changes are Inevitable (Part Cinco)

...I couldn't make it without my mother. I didn't know how to make those wonderful potatoes or her biscuit and gravy. I couldn't hem my pants or sew on a lost button. I couldn't even make a bed or mop a floor like she can. How can God take her without her being able to show me these things? How can he take her when I am still young and need my mother more than anything or anyone else in this world?


I cried (and still do) more tears in that year than I have cried in my whole life. Even as I type this section, I find it hard to see the screen in front of my as this stream of tears flow from my eyes. There are days like today, when I find it hard to pull myself through the day knowing that my mother is hurting or that the alternative to that might be that she is no longer with me. It is still too hard to bear to know that I will not have her to talk to when I have a bad day or when I need advice about something. I see her as she has changed since that awful day that has been almost a year ago now. Her legs are weak, her eyes are foggy and hurt her sometimes, her voice is a little weaker than it used to be. More times than not, she cannot recall what she ate for breakfast or what day it is today. She is still walking, but find herself on the floor more frequently than she ever has in her life. She takes more medicine daily than I can ever remember... But, then there are the days like yesterday when I got to come home 1/2 day early from work.. where I get to spend time with her. We sat on the front porch yesterday as the temperature got warmer. I put her little beach hat on that she wore what seems like forever ago as we sat out on the beach (but is realistically less than a year ago as she wanted to go on one more family vacation and we took her to Gulf Shores for the weekend). There aren't many days where I can just let time slip by, where I can not worry about the clothes, or the trash, or the supper... but days like yesterday, as I sat outside, and saw the silent smile on her face make it all worth while. Just sitting there in silence, by her side, makes my world go round. I still find myself lying in the bed at night some nights, listening to her breathing over the monitors we have hooked up to connect our bedroom with hers in case she needs us... just making sure that she is ok. I still find myself getting wrapped up in the "what ifs" (what if today is the last day I will have her, what if, what if, what if... you know the what ifs will kill you if you let them.). 

We have a perfect plan for our lives. The way we want things to happen. But, I know a God whose timing is more perfect than my own. His will shall be done in HIS TIME and not ours. He will not put more on us than he knows we are capable of bearing, and he is a very present help through these times of need. My mother's death sentence from the MD was December 2011, and as I sit here pecking at the keys on this laptop, my mother's sweet sounds of snores are working their magic in the background, and in the next few moments she will be calling out for me as she will need help to the bathroom. The doctors had a report, but I refuse to believe their's. I will believe the report of the Lord! My God is the ultimate healer! All things work together for good for those that serve the Lord, and he is an on-time God. I believe my mother is healed, and we are waiting the physical results to appear so that she can stand and proclaim the might testimony that God is building in her.

As for the Mr. and I, we are living day by day.. never knowing what tomorrow might hold. The days are stressful, and the future is unknown, but we are making the best of the days that we have. We ask that you lift us up, even now, and continue to remember my sweet mother's healing. Though our lives are taking a different route than we anticipated, our God will supply our need, and his PERFECT will shall unfold before us with each step ahead that we take. Though the future is foggy and somewhat frightening as we have no house, no children, and no place to call our own should my mother be called to her heavenly home, we have each other and an amazing family and friends to share this next chapter in our lives.
Stay tuned to watch the unfolding of not OUR, but GOD's perfect plan for the Russell household....
..TO BE CONTINUED..