I haven't shared this on the blog before, but after numerous questions and deep thought, I might as well take the plunge.
Have you ever been at a time in your life when you find yourself questioning God. Questioning his reason and rhyme and will for your life?
It seems like every direction you turn, you stop and ask, "Why God?"
You look around and everyone around you seem to be celebrating and taking part in the very things you have wanted in your life. You pray and you wait.. pray and wait.. and yet others seem to be getting your wishes. And you? Nothing but disappointment.
Hubby and I have officially- unofficially tried to conceive over the past year+. There it is- out in the air. I usually am not one to share great details with the whole bloggy world but I feel like this is an issues I should deal with.. and this usually serves as my dealing place. We have tried and prayer and waited and tried some more. We look around and all those around us are getting pregnant. We have waited all the way through the getting preg stage of others around us, watched them have their babies, and now a whole new cycle of babies are being conceived now.. and hubby and I still sit and wait.
Have I gone to the doctor? No, because, well, that would mean that I believe I physically have a problem and you never want to believe that about yourself. You always believe, growing up, that when you are ready for a child it will be easy as pie. Sometimes, I guess, that is not the case. However, you never believe you will be the one who cannot have a child, or the one who has difficulty having a child.
You also look around and see others who are pregnant with children they will never raise, never see, never birth... and still you struggle to conceive a child that you will love, protect, and cherish.
It's hard in those times to keep the faith that God has a reason and rhyme to everything. A person's faith can really wear thin when you get your hopes up month after month thinking "this is it. this is going to be the month it has happened" only to find out Mother Nature has blessed your with your monthly gift--- just not the gift you desire.
I know that I shouldn't question God. God has a plan, a purpose for the will he has for each of us. I know there is a sure-fire reason he has not allowed us to conceive at this point in our lives, but it is so hard to not only desire with your everything to have a sweet little bundle of joy yourself... but to watch the man that you love.. week after week watch in awe of all those babies and children around you knowing he would be such a wonderful father. It breaks my heart to think there is a possibility that may never happen. He may never know the feeling of being a dad and holding a child of his own.... bouncing a little baby girl.. or playing catch with a son of his own image.
Where God are you at this time in my life and what is your true desire for us? Why do we stand and wait at the door, looking in, only to never see you open it for us to partake in such a blessing as parenthood? Are we too young.. too immature.. not yet ready for it? Are you saving this experience for a reason...? Will we ever get the pleasure to be blessed with such an opportunity?
Speak Lord for I am listening.
5 comments:
We are in the exact same place. Seriously, we are. I haven't blogged about it either. After some things that have been going on this week, I'm working on a post now. It's time to post about it. If you don't mind, I'd like to link your post in there too.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Yes my husband and I are going through the same thing. That dreaded word infertility. We have been trying for almost 2 years now with no luck. We've been going to see a specialist for almost a year now and it's been so hard. We have tried everything under the sun and had all kinds of procedures done. We know it will happen one day. We won't lose hope or faith. It is very tiresome though and you try to be positive for those around you but there are days I just want to sit and cry.. If you ever want to talk about any thing we have done so far, don't hesitate to email me at bmhargis@gmail.com.
Emma-Leigh, our TTC stories could not be more similar. I know just how you feel. And no, I haven't blogged about it. Not sure if I can yet. I'm feeling faithful this month (we made a few changes) but we'll see.
I'm lifting you up in prayer, and hoping that you and I both get those babies we desire in God's timing, which I desperately hope is sooner rather than later.
Hey girl! You know we've been struggling with this for over four years now, so don't hesitate to call Amy or I about it.
So I decided to catch up on your blog and I came to this one. Eric and I had been trying for 1 1/2 years. It had been a long grueling and not to mention faith rocking experience. I questioned God and His plan. I didn't understand. I cried almost every month and seriously got angry when others got pregnant so easily. But see, you know the rest of my story. God is faithful and He timing is perfect. When we found out we were pregnant with twins, the overwhleming love of Christ filled our hearts. God is so faithful. He is always there. We don't not remember how hard those many months were, but we know God was shaping and forming us for what He had in store!!
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