This post stems from my previous post about no one caring about what I had to say and no one having time to take for me.
After reading a post from Amy's blog a few weeks back about a book she read in school, I decided I was going to order it. So, I got online and saw that I could get it for super cheap, I ordered it, got it in the mail today, and started reading it. I is entitled, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I started reading it and felt I couldn't put it down, so I am already half done with. The book is all about how everyone has their own 'language' when it comes to both loving their mate and being loved themselves. I, by far, fall under the 'quality time' category. For my 'love tank', in the words of Chapman, to be full, I need Kenneth's attention... I need to not be simply in proximity of him, but for us to be together. That doesn't mean that when we are sitting on the couch and he is watching football but comments in every few mins or so that we are spending 'quality time'.. that means, I need his full, undivided attention doing something that I enjoy, and for him to enjoy it because it is something that I enjoy. As I am reading my Chapter in the book, the one that describes what I need to feel totally loved, I realized that I absolutely related to all of it. Lately, I have felt like I am taken for granted. My love tank is on empty and I don't feel appreciated, let alone loved.
I have felt like, lately, Kenneth and I do what Kenneth likes to do. I know that he doesn't realize that it has been bothering me. I dont say much about what is bothering me until it starts to pile up and I get stressed about it. I just deal, or rather, just try to forget about it in hopes that it will deal with itself. I know that Kenneth loves me, but I feel like he hasn't known what a real issue this is with me. I need him to sit down with me and not turn on the TV.. I need to go for a walk and talk ( I mean, a real.. quality conversation).. I need to go to the park.. or have our first picnic. I need real time with him and I. I need me love tank to read full. I really long for that and, even though Chapman says that a relationship, once out of the falling in love time when one starts dating, can never go back to that time- that euphoric time in ones life... I would like for our relationship to go back to as close to that period as possible. I miss those time, and I miss those feelings and knowing, without him even saying so, how much Kenneth loves me because he has taken the time to make me happy, to re-fill my love tank.
I am not saying that I am the perfect fiance.. I am sure that there are things about me and the way I act that bothers him. He just won't tell me, I'm sure, in hopes that I won't get my feelings hurt. Also, I haven't gotten to the section that I believe he fits in. I am more than positive that Kenneth fits into the "physical touch" category so when I get to that chapter, you will be hearing more. Until then.. later.
4 comments:
Isn't that a great book...it really helps you identify exactly what you need and how to better love your significant other. The funny thing about love languages is that they rarely ever seem to be the same...DW and I are very different in how we give and receive love.
I truly believe marriage is God's way of holding up a mirror in front of you - it shows you where you are selfish or lazy, where you need work! But the great thing is that you always have someone on your team as your biggest fan!
Glad you got the book...I'm looking forward to reading more about what you learn!
I've been thinking about ordering that book as well. I know that I too am a QT type of person...but I think my husband is a "doing things for you" person (I forget what that is called).
Relationships and marriage is/are tough. My husband just recently went out of state (out of the time zone, even) to San Francisco and that led to some pretty eye opening conversations. As I felt like I wasn't being put before his work; that I needed more attention. I learned that when youre put in a stressful position (such as that when your other half leaves for a week) - you tend to start doubting, missing, and (in my case) really over thinking things at times.
Hang in there and enjoy the book.
I haven't read that book yet either...Amy has told me ALL about though. I've got to read it soon. Keep us updated.
I know exactly how you feel. I think me and Wade kind of coasted through our engagement and we didn't really see that we were lacking in the attention department until after we got married, or at least moved in together. Or maybe we were just used to not seeing each other as much because I was in Tuscaloosa. Either way, it's hard for me to see when and how Wade needs my attention, and vice versa. I'm the same way as you...I need quality time, while Wade is the other way around. But being married has given us a better opportunity to really talk to each other about what is the best way for us to make each other happy. Now he opens up more, and I've started to understand that he's not much of a talker. It's been frustrating sometimes, but we've gotten a lot better about learning how we each show each other that we care, and we've learned to accept that it's not always the way we expect or want to be shown. I've learned to accept his gestures as the way he shows me that he loves me, even though they aren't the same gestures I'd necessarily make. It's frustrating sometimes, but you grow and learn together, and it brings you closer.
Soooo, to make a long story short, I know where you're coming from. But as long as you and Kenneth both see how important it is to talk to one another, put each other before everything else (besides God), and make sure you each know you are #1, then you'll just continue to grow.
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